After what has happened, can your marriage be what it was before the affair.
Do you wish that things could go back to the way they were before you found out about the affair. You were so happy before the affair, but did you realise that there were some problems? You truly loved your marriage. And despite what your spouse says, you know that they loved it to. Do you remember those great times that you had together, going on dates, on vacation, or just fooling around. And you wonder, will you ever feel that way again?
After what has happened, can your marriage be what it was before the affair? So many people in this situation wish that they could just go back to how things were before the affair. I can understand the desire, but why?
Okay, so you might have been ticking along quite nicely. You might even have been happy. But why would you want to go back to the way that things were?
If everything was so idyllic, do you think that you would be in the mess that you are in now?
No!!!
Whilst you could probably both have done things differently in your marriage. It was your spouse who is responsible for the affair. They chose of their own free will to do what they did, so theirs is the fault.
Consider this. If both of you had done everything that you could to make you marriage the loving, fulfilling relationship that it should and could be, it is much less likely that your spouse would have had the affair. It is a proven fact that the relationships of happily married couples are much more likely to stand the test of time.
Can your marriage be what it was before the affair? Who cares! What you had before was setting you up for what you have today. It was something that happened before the affair that gave your spouse the justification for having the affair.
I do not doubt for a moment that in the past you had shared experiences that you will treasure forever. You will understandably yearn for those special romantic moments that you shared. You will want to regain the sense of peace and safety that comes from being part of a fulfilling marriage. Dreaming about the past and ignoring what led to the affair is not going to help you to heal your marriage. Can your marriage be what it was before the affair? I hope not!
I am happy to say that going back is not possible. You cannot go back in life because time and experience keeps dragging us forward. The past is in the past, it is history. It is a particularly human trait that we seem unable to learn from the past. Please buck the trend and for the sake of your future happiness, learn. The real question should be, what kind of future do you want to have? What kind of marriage do you want and need, that can carry you through the years and decades?
That is the sort of question that you need to be thinking about.
Your marriage will never be the same again. That is a fact of life and the sooner that you can accept that the better. The affair has changed the course and your life forever. You are both heading on a new course, so look to where that is taking you, and stop concentrating on where you have been.
What is done is done. The affair happened and there is nothing that you can do about that. Please do not naively believe that the affair will not affect you. It already has. The effects will fade, the memories will become less harsh, but you will never forget the affair. The sooner that you accept the fact that you will never erase the memories, the sooner you can get on with healing your marriage.
What you can do, is to make something positive come out of this mess. This will need both of you working together, but why not work to make your marriage better than it ever has been. Work to make it what it should be, not what it has been. If you work at it then you can get to a place where you will find more happiness, more honesty, and much more love than you did before the affair.
Use the affair to act as a wake up call and let it give you the impetus to carry you forward to a far more fulfilling marriage. The first time that I heard about this idea, I thought it a bit strange. But it does work. And the couples who put the work in, finally experience married life as it should be experienced.
These couple are happy. They feel safe and comfortable with each other. They have love. Is there anything more that anyone could ask for. Forget fame and fortune, these couples have something fat more precious?
If you want to experience that then you have to forget about returning to the way things were before the affair. Only once you have done that can you wholly commit to working to build, a happier, fulfilling and loving marriage. Once your mind accepts that you want a better marriage now and for ever, then you can start working to make it happen.
There are four things that you need to do to start the process towards making your marriage better than ever.
You need love. If there is no love then no marriage or relationship can thrive. Love nurtures your marriage, it is the foundation from which great things can grow. To have a truly fulfilling marriage you need to be able to really connect with each other. Without love this will never happen.
You have to have commitment. Both of you have to be committed to each other, your marriage, and working through the difficulties in your relationship, if you ever hope to heal it. Both of you have to make the commitment. Whilst it is barely conceivable that only one of you could do all the work, if you are genuine about saving your marriage, then you both need to commit. This will take hard work, and it will not be easy. It is a reality of your situation that you are going to have to pay diligent attention to your relationship for a long time to come.
And finally, you need knowledge. You can have the greatest capacity for hard work, you can have all the love in the world, you could personify commitment, but if you do not know in what direction to take these factors, then will you achieve anything? Possibly. So long as you have the three factors then you can find the knowledge that you need.
The three factors are the essentials that you need to start moving forward. But those three factors have to come from you, no one can give them to you. No one can make you love each other, commit to each other, or work hard for the sake of your relationship. Personally, I think that it is more than worth doing whatever you can to save your marriage. At the end of the day, the desire to create something special, and the dedication to achieve it, have to come from the two of you.
Being a student of life I thought it about time to get my ideas down in the hope that they will help people with whatever difficulties they are facing. My first site started out as what was supposed to be a review site but it kind of grew to something covering relationships in general. http://www.reviewthemagicofmakingup.com I have started work on a new site, helpmarriage.org, which as the name suggests is targeted at helping marriages in distress. Of course, the information to be found in this site can also be useful for those in relationships. Whatever the relationship have, and whatever the problems that you have, I hope that you can find something on one of my sites to help you. http://www.helpmarriage.org
Author: Michael Finlayson
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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