I get a lot of emails that say things like “I just found out my husband had an affair. What do I do now?” Or, “I’m not sure where to go from here. My husband had an affair and I don’t know whether to be furious and walk away or to be receptive to eventually working things out.” Of course, I can’t answer these questions for anyone. Where you go from here is going to be an individual decision based on many different factors including whether this is the first affair, whether both people are committed to saving the marriage, and how you ultimately feel about your wishes going forward. And the answer to some of these questions might change over time.
Still, I can offer you some insights toward some things that can make this process slightly more bearable (as much as is possible) in the days following finding out about the affair. It can be very tempting to react with emotions without thinking too much about the future and the coming days. But, this will sometimes cause regret that is avoidable. In the following article, I’ll offer what I think are some sound tips on how to effectively cope after in the days that follow finding out about your husband’s affair.
Be Your Own Best Advocate. Go Into Self Preservation Mode And Give Yourself Time To Process This: Some women will automatically worry about their husband in the days following learning about the affair. And sometimes, this causes them to forget about themselves. There is no question that this is a difficult issue that is very hard to deal with when it happens to you. There is no shame in focusing on yourself and in clearing your calender right now. Do not put pressure on yourself or rush yourself. And, don’t allow for anyone to pressure you into making decisions that are better put off.
I also have to tell you that you might be inclined to blame yourself or to think that you did something wrong or should have saw this coming. These thoughts are very common. But, you have to be your own best friend and shut down these thoughts as they come. They will only weaken you and they aren’t likely true. Do not blame yourself. You did not take this action or make this decision. He did. You can not change it. You can not control it. But, you should not blame yourself for decisions and actions that you, yourself did not take.
To that end, surround yourself with people who are supportive and non judgmental. If you doubt someone’s ability to act in this way, then consider not telling them. You have no way to know how you are going to feel about this in the month’s ahead so it’s a good idea to limit sharing this only with people who you know have only your best interests at heart and will support you in all of your decisions. You don’t want or need for this to follow you around endlessly.
When You Are Ready, Find Out Those Things That You Really Need To Know About His Affair: In my own experience, I believe that there are some things about the affair that will only hurt you to know. It’s not really necessary to know about every physical aspect of whatever type of relationship this way. It doesn’t help you to obsess over details about the other woman.
But, there is some information that does help you when you are ready to move forward. These questions are things like: what things left you vulnerable? How can you change these things and safeguard them from happening again in the future? Is there anything that you can learn and take away from this? What is your husband willing to do to help you move forward? If you chose to save the marriage, what can you do to ensure that you build a new, better marriage that you are excited about being a part of?
These are all examples of questions that, when answered, can help you to move forward in a healthy way. When you are formulating your questions, always ask yourself if the answer is going to strengthen you or weaken you. There is most certainly a difference between the two.
Focus On Rebuilding Yourself As Well As Your Marriage (If You Want To Save It:) I don’t think it’s overly dramatic to say that dealing with an affair is a life altering experience. It can be very damaging. It can cause you to doubt yourself. It can cause you to think you are less than someone else. If these things continue on, they can really thwart your ability to move forward in a lasting and healthy way. It is not selfish to work on yourself so that your self confidence is restored. Also, there may have been some issues that were present before the affair that even today do not serve you. There is no better time than now to deal with them than right now. Doing so will help to bring about something positive out of a negative situation.
I firmly believe that two emotionally confident and healthy people are going to contribute to a much healthier and happier marriage than two people who are unsure about themselves and see themselves as flawed. And I believe that self work can be every bit as important as the work you do to restore your marriage following an affair. In my opinion, both of these things work together when you attempt to move forward and put this behind you.
Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share a personal story. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Author: Katie Lersch
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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